2+2=4

Sometimes I wish that I could watch my own life story unravel before my eyes. That I had confidence as I rattled of my speeches and replies like lines of a well rehearsed script. But life is rarely as predictable as the movies make out. Sometimes, although they are perfect for each other, the prince and the princess don’t live happily ever after, and even if they do what’s stopping the princess after the directors shouted cut from running away because she’s scared?

Why does math {a language that is so foreign to me} make more sense inside my head then the logic behind my own English thinking. 2 plus 2 always equals 4, but sometimes I can’t explain why I’m crying, or what I find funny or my motives behind a number of my questionable actions.

I sometimes can’t even tell my own emotions, like a very real and solid wall has masked itself over half of my brain and has stopped the wires connecting to a solution which would solve the mystery as to why I’m even angry or why my heart is trying to escape or why my air supply has suddenly thinned.

I think it boils down to 2 facts, firstly that I’m scared, Scared to stand still, to move forward, to accept and to not accept anything. The second is much more juvenile and to be honest all the more frustrating. That I’m teenage, that I don’t even feel like a whole person yet, that I can’t even understand what I want or why, and to help I have an army of hormones just buzzing inside me, as if they’re searching for the answer too. It all just works together to create a frantic and aggravated me though. Once again two qualities I never pinned to my personality until very recently.

Maybe I just have to accept that for now, I literally am just not making sense, and not half as down-to-earth and grounded as I thought I was or wanted to be.